With Diamonds

I would
steal the moon with everyone looking,
take the splash of bullets from a puddle,
pick fireflies from the sky to give you fiery blossom,
make a lady line a mile long,
build you a stage so you could never stop twirling,
pick the seeds from your watermelon,
make all the drinks in the world ice cold
spend rainy days in the laziest way,
give you a porch on house on a cliff on a beach,
do what it takes to make everything okay,
do it for you.

Just come away with me.

Kick Ass Like Mark Twain

Or Samuel Clement. Whichever you prefer. Here are nine ways to kick ass like Mark Twain. Take that Chuck Norris and Jack from 24.

Thanks to positivityblog.com.

No Means No Unless It Means Maybe

How to tell if a woman wants to have sex with you.

For many men, it is very hard to tell when a woman wants to have sex. It is in a man's best interest to know when a woman wants to have sex, so that they don’t look foolish and/or get tasered.

So here is how you can tell when a woman wants to have sex with you:

She says, “I want to have sex with you.”
This is the surest and easiest way to find out. It also usually means that if she’s giving in this easy, it is because no one else will have sex with her or she wants to make babies. Before you engage in the act of love with Lazy Eye Susan or Tranny Janice, put on a condom and check to make she is not sleepwalking.

Click here for more signs.

Tell Ma' To Internet Us Some Mason Jars

Whiskey Geeks Keep Moonshine Tradition Alive

By Renee Davidson 05.17.08 12:00 AM

Making moonshine has gone from a backwoods black art to a high-end hobby practiced by "whiskey geeks" with a taste for top-shelf hooch.

Unlike their bootlegging predecessors, who cooked up big batches of white lightning and distributed the illegal booze out of the backs of cars, today's moonshiners focus on quality rather than quantity.

Read more of the Wired.com article here.

Compensation Be Damned, That's A Nice Car

Going fast is fun. Going fast in a car worth half a million, blacked out, and an open highway-- damn near orgasmic. Above is the Koenigsegg CC. It holds the US speeding ticket record. I don't care who you are or your morals, that's awesome.

I forget who the guys were that hold the current US Cannonball Run record (like 39 hours coast-to-coast), but if their car was anything like this, I would've called shot gun.

Here's a list of other "ultra high-performance supercars."

(I mean really? Redundant redundant much? We get it.)

Glowing Water And Other Organic Lighting

I wouldn't drink it. It might turn your pee blue. This water, found at Misquito Bay, contains a little guy known as Dinoflagellate (specifically Pyrodimium bahamense). These little guys are microscopic, but use and expend a chemical that allows them to illuminate without sunlight. Just to be clear, these guys aren't like glowing stickers. They don't absorb sunlight and then reproduce it as illumination. It's all in house.

There's lots of other cool glow in the dark animals underneath. Dive in. (That's right. It's punny.)

Here's the link to the rest of the article.

That's What She Said

They Pull You in With Candy --Then, Bam, You're a Sinner!

Little girl: Daddy, daddy, will you buy me some Easter candy?
Father: No, sweetheart. We don't celebrate Easter--we're Jewish.
Little girl: But mommy buys me Easter candy!
Father: It's not my fault your mother has abandoned her principles.

--Times Square

This is Overheard In New York. A great web site that's been around for a while now, but the content never gets old. Wait till you read the one about the banana. Here's the link.

If You Don't Know, Now Y'Know

Here's a little guide for those who may not know some important web sites. And some that are not so important.

Letting Go

It’s funny when you have an epiphany. The fog lifts, the heavens open up, and all the pieces of the enigma you’ve been trying to figure out for God knows how long, make sense. Or at least it seems that way.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been having a lot of those “epiphanies.” Call it what you will, self-discovery, an eye-opening experience, whatever, but the one thing these all have in common is a better understanding of the problem at hand. What’s funny is that even though I’ve cleared things in my head, maybe it’s just another piece that’s part of a larger jigsaw-type issue or perhaps what I have figured out isn’t the right answer. Just the best answer right now.

A lot of things have been going on while in school, but I have done my best ostrich impression and stuck my head in the sand when confronted with certain issues. Some of those issues deal with relationships (oh jeez), my writing (I hope I figured this one out), and then about my future (does anyone really know?). I’ve known myself to hold on to people, ideas, feelings for too long and, well, it doesn’t always end bueno.

I never really share my love life with folks. It’s not that it’s personal (even though it is), but while in school, my attempts at maintaining romance have been about as good as Romeo surviving hemlock poison. Now, this is partially due to me prioritizing school above all else, but when I do have feelings that spring from that place that I’ve closed down for a long time, it’s hard to let go. Some call it tunnel vision, blinders, or hell, love. I don’t which of the three I felt.

All I know is that I had one of those epiphany things about it. Now, I’ve heard people call it a defeatist attitude, being a quitter, or in the Biblical sense, losing the faith. I’m not sure what you really call it, but all I know is that some things are just out of your reach. And sometimes you just have to STOP.

I’m not advising you to give up on people, goals, or dreams that are hard to reach. Fight. Fight harder than you ever have for those things. Come at it like a tornado of teeth and nails. Don’t give up. However, sometimes you have to step back and realize that maybe you’re fighting the wrong battle.

Finding the right thing to fight for is never easy. Trying for the wrong thing can be like Sisyphus and his eternal punishment. Learning to let go of someone or something is never easy. While I may be young in years, I’ve gained enough wisdom to know this, and trust me, it’s something that’ll never be natural.

Profound At Age 5

No, not me, but this little girl is. At the coffee shop I like to write at, they have revolving art showings by local artists. The latest art on the wall includes some collage work done by grade school kids. On one of the collages, these phrases were torn out of a book (These are as they appear on the collage):

"ed Pooh.
go after honey.
to let the bees
have a green
-e only part of
you have a blue
-re only part of
the question is:

it behind,
at all; and
blue one

And, as I say.
There was
tree, so there
could smell
the honey.

"Hooray!"
"Isn't that
to you. "Wha-
"You look
you said.
"Not," said
black cloud in
"Not very
"Ah, well,

God, when I was 5, I was trying to figure out how to pimp my big wheel.

Who Wants A Baptism?

That's right ladies and gentlemen, I am now an ordained minister by the grace of our good Lord and the charitable organization of the Life Church Organization. Blessed be. I would have gotten my rabbi license, but I'm still waiting for the beta version to come out. Go with God (or whomever you choose to follow), but promise to come back. I like it when you read me.

Who Am I?

This was written for an exercise in a teams class under the subject "Who Am I."

Who Am I? I am a shiney, copper penny waiting for my chance to be noticed. For the person that sees my head-to-the-clouds-look-at-me mentality, take a moment, study me, and pick me up before someone else does. I don't represent fame or fortune, only the hope of bringing you one step closer to something better or the luck for something even greater. My worth doesn't rely on the coins I make, but the change I bring.

Cathedra Furniture Company

Just to be clear, this is a faux company. This was done for my graphic designer (Maggie Fritsch) who had to brand a company. She made hers up. The company sells do-it-yourself and authentic furniture for the up and coming crowd. Hope y'all enjoy.

Diamond Strike-A-Fire

Perhaps some of the most badass fire-starters ever created for outdoor use, these matches are made for any situation and gives you fire when you need it most (which usually is when it's about to snow or when you want s'mores). My art director was Lance Thomas who also happens to be my roommate. He's a designing ninja. Hope you enjoy the ads.

Khakis and Cocktails

This is an assignment that I had to write for a concepting class. We had to get into a target markets frame of mind. Mine happened to be an executive who believes in martini lunches and the golf course a conference room. Hope you enjoy it.

To: Bobby McFrangleton, VP Technology Division

From Will Thomsen, SVAP Marketing Division

Subject: The Week Ahead

Hey Bobby,
My apologies for getting back to you in a tardy manner. The traffic this morning was horrible and caused my ulcer to act like Mt. Vesuvius, but I'll spare you the details. After reading over your letter, I was shocked to find the laundry list of issues that need to be addressed. While it would be advantageous for us to take care of this post-haste as you had mentioned, I do believe that if you step back and analyze the situation you'll agree with the plan that I am about to lay out.

Pardon my bluntness, but starting today on the strategy session would be about as good as promoting Jenkins from mop jockey to department head. Did Hannibal conquer Rome in a day? Does America believe in Communism? Do you want to make another conservative pre-emptive strike upon a problem without research? The answer should be no! As our past has shown, a dive into strategy has presented obstacles that sometimes we never surmount because of our Sisyphean-type efforts.

That is why I recommend we wait until Wednesday to strategize. We can meet at the High Ball and do some drinking and thinking. Besides, it's almost three. Do you want to be late for our tee time? Make the plump girl from the front do the research and tell her to have it to me by morning.

Now Tuesday we'll have to meet at the gym. Mr. Roidrage is making me work my back since that disc slipped last spring. I'd say the only thing he’s helping me lose weight from is my wallet. The doctors prescribed some Xanax and Lahem-something or another, but it worked about as well as my stock broker. The kicker is he won't give me anything else for it so I self-medicate with Doctor Seagram's and his nurse Ms. Marnier.

Please let me know if that's possible because I'm taking the misses to the airfield at three and then it's squash at five with those guys from the Nagasaki corporation. They’re about to get a taste of the 1978 North Dakota state champion.

Like I said, Wednesday at the High Ball. Make sure that Judy calls for the car service. There's a reason they call it the High Ball. After we get back, we should coordinate with the Milwaukee office and overnight the documents to them after we're done with lunch. Have Bartlesby get with Romanakov and have them start on the ideation and development on Thursday.

I'm going to take Friday as a mental health day. You should too. We’ll talk more on the green.

Let me know if this works for you. Run it by Donice.

Well, I believe that is my three o'clock masseuse at my door and I wouldn’t want to keep these old love muscles waiting. I hope she's a real blond this time.

Get back to me about tomorrow,


Will Thomsen

My Favorite Words

As a person who likes to manipulate sentences, grammar, and the English lexicon, I have naturally developed a special place for certain words in our language. In somewhat of a hierarchal ranking:

1) Defenestrate
2) Quagmire
3) Epidermis
4) Cataclysmic
5) Bailiwick
6) Couth
7) Zoology
8) Discombobulate
9) Yesternight
10) Monophagus

If you don't know the meaning of a word, do what your parents told you, ask someone else.

All-Bran Buds

This is All-Bran Buds. This was the only thing we got after two weeks of work. Let's just say it was a lot harder than I imagined. The subject of fiber is a fickle one. Maybe one day, perhaps after my time has come and past, toilet humor will be witty and no longer low brow. Jeff Foxworthy can only hope.

Global Pet Finder

Here are some ads I did for Global Pet Finder which is essentially GPS for your dog. This was all hand drawn by an illustrator (David Ortega, AD) at my school and then put into vector. My partner (Stacy Mann) and I were pretty stoked on how it turned out.

Coming soon... cool, hip slap bracelets featuring GPS for kids! Own'em all!

An Addiction To Fantasy

A healthy fetus leaves its nine-month cocoon and turns into a bouncing baby whatever, cigars are handed out, weeping ensues, and the mother calls for another round of morphine and a shot of Rumplements. The baby cries, everyone snuggles, and the candy striper takes a pretty Kodak moment. Hooray.

But would they be as excited knowing that they have just brought into this world not only a sinner, but an addict? Because that just happened. Mind you, I’m not bashing either because I can’t talk. I’m both too. We all are.

St. August proposed an alternate idea of original sin than that of the Holy Roman Catholic Church. According to one of his treatises, he claimed that when Adam and Eve fell from God’s grace so did every man, woman, or hermaphroditic combo thereafter. ‘Preciate it. But that’s not the point. If you believe that Augustinian theory, then get baptized, go to church, say your prayers, and vow celibacy. More power to you (Just don’t attempt to press it upon me. I have Jedi powers). I choose a different belief path, but that’s for another self-analytic session.

So, we’re all addicts. Usually when we hear that word, we assume that some lost or impressionable soul has succumbed to the crutch of an inebriative substance such as booze, weed, cocaine, and the ever taboo crack. While mainstream society looks down upon the general stereotype of the addict, they should look in the mirror.

We all share an addiction to fantasy. Personally I am a heavy user. Sometimes it makes more sense than what is real. I have attempted to substitute reality with my own, but I haven’t really figured out the whole metaphysical space-time continuum thing yet (I’ll let you know). I, like billions of others, became addicted as soon as we sought the comfort of our mother’s (or nurses, doctors, baby daddy’s, fathers, random guy with the camera, or whomever) arms. It’s that feeling of love, safety, comfort, and ultimate trust that our psyche seeks constantly after the initial needs are met. Basic human needs must be met to develop and survive, but when does necessity cross over into a gluttonous state?

So that’s when the addiction begins. Then it expands to a satiation of breast milk (or formulae if that’s your bag), the wanting of toys one can’t have, even to the creation of imaginary friends (Which is normal because everyone does it). I remember sitting in my Radio Flyer at the top of a hill ready to hit the ramp and fly back in time to Bedrock. I always wondered how a pulley system worked on a brontosaurus. I attempted to indulge my fantasy. It didn't work. Just so you know, I did go down the hill, I did hit the ramp, I did not go back in time, but rather into the side of a Buick.

As we grow older, we shift our fantasies to more mature ideals. We begin to place people, ideas, lifestyles, pets, theories, and other poppycock on a pedestal. Why? I don’t know, but I don’t think I want to. Whatever it is, people continue to pursue it. And they should. My attempt to indulge was only stopped by the side of a steel fender. Sometimes people use catalytic means (which may or may not be legal) in order to get to that fantasy land. Others just go to Disney World. I tend to daydream, talk to myself, or pretend my rapturous solos in my radio-less Volvo rocks the ears off a star-eyed crowd.

I know of other people, friends to strangers, who formulate improbable situations and what they would do. Like what if zombies really did exist and how would they survive? What if a briefcase was found with a suitcase and a grenade? Maybe a cougar pops out of your pantry? What then? Granted it’s these fantasies that fuel fiction, television, most reality shows, some news stories, political policy, business, and the list could go on. Without it, life would be as mundane as the color grey.

Sensation is the nectar of fantasy. It provides Technicolor to a whitewashed world. It helps break the routine, the mold, whatever you want to call it. It leads to discovery fulfilling both personal and even humanities needs because sometimes other people choose your fantasy to participate in. Look at religion (Again, another topic discussion for a later time).

I do want to point out that fantasy addiction is different from envy. Envy is more of a desire to ascertain the relationships, ideas, standard in life, or inanimate objects of someone else. By this I mean if buddy has a delicious chocolate milkshake, I want his milkshake or one that will make his treat have dessert jealousy. With fantasy, it’s more of a state of mind. It’s an ideal that can never be reached—like a unicorn. If fantasy is something that can be grabbed like an apple off the tree, it loses its taste and value.

A life without a fictional reality would be like having your television stuck on the snowy channel and only catching glimpses of the naked woman behind the blizzard. It would be unfulfilling. St. Augustus said that we have no choice in being sinners, but through faith we can be redeemed. I say we have no choice in our addiction to fantasy. However, I don’t think anyone desires a miracle pharmaceutical or clinical treatment program to cure them. I know I don’t.

So indulge your addiction. If you have a healthy one, you don’t need to search for what’s behind the televised snow. Just grab some tissues.

Gluttonous Poverty

It's a bit of a contradiction, yes, but it's the ironic situation that I find myself in right now. Currently my income is blessed upon me by the Sallie Mae Foundation. Some magic machine filled with electronic money sends funds to my school which lets me know when it's okay to live again. I live for an e-mail from my financial aid person and respond to it like a Pavlovian dog. I trundle into her windowless office, speak the idle and certainly non-friendship bearing chit chat that makes me seem friendly, but never that memorable (That way she won't be mad at the nice kid, whatever he looks like). It's shallow, but effective. Then I beeline it for the bank and inevitably splurge a small percentage on some new kicks or some spray paint. The rest I attempt to survive on.

I've taken out enough money to put a down payment on a house, but it seems like the "living expenses" portion after tuition is assessed, is similar to that of a welfare check-- insert ignorant comment. So while I live the lavish life of the left-brained student, my need for eating seems less important. I'll resort to one solid meal a day and then general grazing throughout. Even then it's not a big deal. So while I have money, I don't eat as much, but instead choose to spend it on other things like fedora's.

Which is why my current situation is such a debacle. I have two accounts, whose powers combined I think will help me make rent this month. So it's either have a place to live or eat well for two weeks. I'll choose the former. Yet, I find myself needing to eat. And not just normally, but abnormally. It's biggie-sized everything and when asked, yes I will have whip cream on my metro-sized coffee, but only if I can find the change beneath my car seat. Not having that option to choose to go out for fast-food or tapas sucks. Instead, it's a never ending cycle of Goya Frijoles Negroes and Kasmati Rice (Although when seasoned correctly, it rocks socks). Whatever it is, I find myself needing to feast when instead I should be attempting to fast.

I don't know why that is. I attempt to indulge when I shouldn't. I guess it's a need to live a lifestyle that I want even though by doing so, I'm preventing its existence in the future. Wanting things when you can't have them and vice versa make perfect sense right now. It's a shame that I can't make other rationalizations when my financial situation is reversed. Then again, I don't know if I would want to.