Gluttonous Poverty

It's a bit of a contradiction, yes, but it's the ironic situation that I find myself in right now. Currently my income is blessed upon me by the Sallie Mae Foundation. Some magic machine filled with electronic money sends funds to my school which lets me know when it's okay to live again. I live for an e-mail from my financial aid person and respond to it like a Pavlovian dog. I trundle into her windowless office, speak the idle and certainly non-friendship bearing chit chat that makes me seem friendly, but never that memorable (That way she won't be mad at the nice kid, whatever he looks like). It's shallow, but effective. Then I beeline it for the bank and inevitably splurge a small percentage on some new kicks or some spray paint. The rest I attempt to survive on.

I've taken out enough money to put a down payment on a house, but it seems like the "living expenses" portion after tuition is assessed, is similar to that of a welfare check-- insert ignorant comment. So while I live the lavish life of the left-brained student, my need for eating seems less important. I'll resort to one solid meal a day and then general grazing throughout. Even then it's not a big deal. So while I have money, I don't eat as much, but instead choose to spend it on other things like fedora's.

Which is why my current situation is such a debacle. I have two accounts, whose powers combined I think will help me make rent this month. So it's either have a place to live or eat well for two weeks. I'll choose the former. Yet, I find myself needing to eat. And not just normally, but abnormally. It's biggie-sized everything and when asked, yes I will have whip cream on my metro-sized coffee, but only if I can find the change beneath my car seat. Not having that option to choose to go out for fast-food or tapas sucks. Instead, it's a never ending cycle of Goya Frijoles Negroes and Kasmati Rice (Although when seasoned correctly, it rocks socks). Whatever it is, I find myself needing to feast when instead I should be attempting to fast.

I don't know why that is. I attempt to indulge when I shouldn't. I guess it's a need to live a lifestyle that I want even though by doing so, I'm preventing its existence in the future. Wanting things when you can't have them and vice versa make perfect sense right now. It's a shame that I can't make other rationalizations when my financial situation is reversed. Then again, I don't know if I would want to.